HOW TO AVOID ENDING UP LIKE BRITNEY, K-FED AND NICOLE (LOVE WISE.)

JASON BOURNE TO HAVE A KID-TO COVER HIS IDENTITY AS A NEW DAD

FAMILY GUY'S CLEVELAND (A BLACK DUDE) TO GET HIS OWN SPIN-OFF! IS AMERICAN DAD DONE FOR?

ASHLEY SIMPSON DRUNK, AROUND SKUNK FRIENDS OF HERS AND IDOL B.S.!

BLACK UNITY ACHIEVED: LUDACRIS, ASHANTI AND KANYE WEST COLLABORATE ON NEW CD!

LEA THOMPSON KNOWS THE SECRET OF LESBIANS, ER...SOCCER MOMS.

DIRTY DANCER GETS CANCER AND BAI LING WAS ROBBED, IN COURT.

LOST'S TV GUIDE COVER SHOOT.

REESE WITHERSPOON TO COMBAT...STUPID NEW LOHAN REALITY SERIES (BAD MOM DINA, BAD. NO REESE DOLLARS 4U!)

7 OF 9 PROCREATES AND AMERICAN-AFRICAN ACTRESS, KERRY WASHINGTON HONORED.

ONION NEWS-FCC "CLAIMS" ONLY ALYSON HANNIGAN CAN GO NUDE IN PRIME-TIME

PLAYER HATERS-
THAT A-HOLE GUY...THAT USED TO BE MARRIED TO EVA LONGORIA (THE FAKE ONE, ON THE SHOW.)

[NEW SEGMENT]
Alleged scumbag actor and Desperate Housewives B- actor, Ricardo Chavira, apparently attacked a customer whom he didn't even know, at video game store at City Walk. The customer was leaving the store, as the thespian thought he was being recognized again. But, the man silently walk past the pretty boy, one time Monk villain.

The ass replied to the non-existent slight- by saying, "Well it it isn't the tooth fairy." The man didn't reply to the statement,except to angrily star back- in the ugly face of simulated, televised evil. Then,the man looked down in sad disgust, at Chavira's daughter, to whom he was teaching institutionalized homophobia.

The man relieved that, while no macho man, was NOT GAY! He didn't even know, who Carlos Solis was? He admitted, like most real men "stopped watching the show regularly after the first" landmark season of middle aged, sex fest soap.

SEMI-PRO TOPS AND AMY ADAMS TRIES FOR A SECOND HIT MOVIE.

ANGELINA JOLIE WANTS FINANCIAL AID SENT TO IRAQ, FOR THE IRAQIS-NOT THE WAR EFFORT.

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR...NUDE!!!! (FOR REAL...KINDA OF)

THE INSIDER AS A GAME SHOW-CELEBRITY SAYS WITH DAVE HOLMES.

KIRSTIE ALLEY ANGRY-JENNY CRAIG HELPS VALERIE BERTINELLI GET HER FIGURE BACK AND A NEW SYNDICATED TALK SHOW.

CBS will develop the show, for the former One Day at a Timer for a 2009-10 launch fall launch. The early days of the show- will focus on her hit book- Losing It: Gaining My Life Back One Pound at a Time.

It claims to her admitting to be a notorious "slut" and quite frankly a "druggie."

In addition, she will headline a TV movie, True Confessions of a Hollywood Starlet on the Lifetime network and an A & E Biography will be done on her.

LAPD THINKS SAM LUTFI DRUGGED FORMER POP TART, BRITNEY SPEARS

CSI:NY STAR HILL HARPER, IS BARACK OBAMA'S BEST FRIEND.

JAMIE-LYNN SIGLER TAKES ON LAX