SABRINA MAKES A MORTAL AND DAN RADCLIFFE WILL BE IN GRADUATE SCHOOL- WHEN THE HARRY POTTER SERIES FINISHES!

BRITNEY MEETS LILY ON YOUR MOTHER.

LILO TURNS BODY ART INTO COFFEE TABLE BOOK/EXHIBIT.

JIM CARRAY FINALLY GETS WORK- FOR ARROGANT SLUT GIRLFRIEND JENNY MCCARTHY, AT HORTON...PREMIERE.

KRISTEN KREUK WILL BE CHUN-LI NOW, IN LONG AWAITED SEQUEL TO STREET FIGHTER MOVIE.

The lovely Smallville titan, will attempt to fill out the early years of slutty, but stylish marital arts mistress. How she first got involved with semi-legal prize fighting and how that turned her into the cartwheel kicking, Connie Chung type-that has graced the game series every since.

Rumors persist that X-Men: United vixen Kelly Hu was the original choice, but had to drop out to complete work on two independent movies,62 Pick Up and The Tournament.

Also, Micheal Clarke Duncan (The Green Mile Oscar winner and Daredevil kingpin) will be The Mike Tyson-ish boxer Balrog. Will he be friend or foe? One of the male members of the Black eyed peas is negotiating to play a lesser,violent part in the flick.

JUDGE ORDERS BRITNEY SPEARS TO SURVIVE ON $1500 A WEEK..ON A DEBIT CARD!!

HAYDEN PANETTIERE LOVES MTV'S AMERICAN DANCE CREW

HOW TO AVOID ENDING UP LIKE BRITNEY, K-FED AND NICOLE (LOVE WISE.)

JASON BOURNE TO HAVE A KID-TO COVER HIS IDENTITY AS A NEW DAD

FAMILY GUY'S CLEVELAND (A BLACK DUDE) TO GET HIS OWN SPIN-OFF! IS AMERICAN DAD DONE FOR?

ASHLEY SIMPSON DRUNK, AROUND SKUNK FRIENDS OF HERS AND IDOL B.S.!

BLACK UNITY ACHIEVED: LUDACRIS, ASHANTI AND KANYE WEST COLLABORATE ON NEW CD!

LEA THOMPSON KNOWS THE SECRET OF LESBIANS, ER...SOCCER MOMS.

DIRTY DANCER GETS CANCER AND BAI LING WAS ROBBED, IN COURT.

LOST'S TV GUIDE COVER SHOOT.

REESE WITHERSPOON TO COMBAT...STUPID NEW LOHAN REALITY SERIES (BAD MOM DINA, BAD. NO REESE DOLLARS 4U!)

7 OF 9 PROCREATES AND AMERICAN-AFRICAN ACTRESS, KERRY WASHINGTON HONORED.

ONION NEWS-FCC "CLAIMS" ONLY ALYSON HANNIGAN CAN GO NUDE IN PRIME-TIME

PLAYER HATERS-
THAT A-HOLE GUY...THAT USED TO BE MARRIED TO EVA LONGORIA (THE FAKE ONE, ON THE SHOW.)

[NEW SEGMENT]
Alleged scumbag actor and Desperate Housewives B- actor, Ricardo Chavira, apparently attacked a customer whom he didn't even know, at video game store at City Walk. The customer was leaving the store, as the thespian thought he was being recognized again. But, the man silently walk past the pretty boy, one time Monk villain.

The ass replied to the non-existent slight- by saying, "Well it it isn't the tooth fairy." The man didn't reply to the statement,except to angrily star back- in the ugly face of simulated, televised evil. Then,the man looked down in sad disgust, at Chavira's daughter, to whom he was teaching institutionalized homophobia.

The man relieved that, while no macho man, was NOT GAY! He didn't even know, who Carlos Solis was? He admitted, like most real men "stopped watching the show regularly after the first" landmark season of middle aged, sex fest soap.

SEMI-PRO TOPS AND AMY ADAMS TRIES FOR A SECOND HIT MOVIE.